so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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