So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
