Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
