so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
