ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
