Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
