Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
