I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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