I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
