Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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