My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
third nipple confirmed
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I touched a dick in church today
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
