Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
