I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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