Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
