the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
someone owes me an orgasm
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
