Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
