On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
