jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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