on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
