Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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