I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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