i jhust puked up my retainher.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
