dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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