So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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