Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
