You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He better not be in your backpack
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
