Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
