I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
How's work?
Spinning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
