this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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