Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
