mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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