seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
