This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
