Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize