My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
