Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
