census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize