DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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