As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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