mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
