and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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