I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
