I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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