you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
