Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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