I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
