Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
