I think I won the penis lottery.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
