I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
