Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
