omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
