Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
