i don't like sucking hair
my sisters under your porch take her home
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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