I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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