She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
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