im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
