Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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