sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
